Happy Wednesday, church family!

After the first time I spoke on the phone to my birth mom, Erika, I recorded a video, documenting what was said, how I felt, etc. I found that video recently, and re-watched it. Some of the things I said about her were, “she’s like me, but without faith, grace, love, and a filter”. Honestly, she scared me. I saw so much of myself in her, the potential to be like her… and she turned out to be quite possibly the most horrid person I’ve ever met. And I share her DNA. 

There was one conversation we had that really broke me. It started out in email form, with her accusing me, belittling me, and yelling at me through the words on the screen. When confronted, I can get defensive, but I also can recoil. This time, however, I just picked up the phone, called her, and let loose. I defended myself, (with feeling!) and didn’t back down. I was proud of myself for not letting her trample all over me. After we hung up the phone (yes, I was shaking and had sweat pouring from EVERYWHERE), I got another email from her. It simply said “I don’t know you that well, but after that conversation, I like you a lot more.” I was stunned. Did she like that I fought back? That I spoke her language of no filter? That conversation did something in me, and without getting into the nitty gritty details, from that point on, I became fearful. Fearful of speaking the truth, fearful of someone misunderstanding me (because she did), and fearful of saying the wrong thing. 

This Sunday, Andy was talking about Joseph being tempted, how other people’s free will can wreck us, and we can’t control them, just our own reaction to it. This phrase really stuck out to me:

Healing and maturity mean people’s choices will affect me without automatically becoming instructions for me.

Erika’s choices, and how she treated me became instructions to me. I learned in that moment how I “should” act around her, and it bled into relationships with others. I let her free will wreck me, and doubted that I was a safe person. I don’t know how I got through that season. Actually, I take that back. I do. I was on my knees praying and yelling at God, and through that time, I got to know Him, and understood more about my relationship with Him more than I ever had before. 

Friends, my birth mom had free will to say what she wanted. It hurt, and it wrecked me. But I forgot that I also have free will, to not place my identity in my DNA, or what an angry woman says. God rescued me from a lifetime with Erika, and gave me the wisdom and courage a year later to end the relationship with her, allowing me the space to grieve and begin the healing process. 

Jesus, thank You for rescuing me from Erika, both at birth, and later in life. Thank You for walking with me… no, for carrying me. I reject the lie that I am my birth mother. I reject the fear of being wrong or misunderstood. I take back my love, my empathy, my gentleness, and my ability to speak truth. Bless and seal these good things in Your name, amen. 

May your week be blessed,

Lisa

Happy Wednesday, church family!

We’ve been driving up north to visit my husband’s family for the past 29 years. We’ve gotten pretty used to the drive, and have figured out which Starbucks has the best bathrooms, where the In’n’Outs are, and which exit is for Costco gas. But every once in a while, someone in the car has to go RIGHT NOW, and then it’s the mad dash to check our phones for the nearest gas station or fast food place. Inevitably, we’ll notice there’s a McDonalds a split second too late, just past the nearest exit. And it’s always when that was the last exit for a while, and someone just has to hold on. 

Sunday’s sermon was titled Exit Ramps, referring to opportunities that we have to get off the freeway when we’re going down a path that’s not exactly ideal. Yet, no matter how far down a path we get, God offers opportunities to change direction, to forgive, and choose to follow Jesus instead. Andy emphasized forgiveness. I didn’t like it one bit. There are certain people in my life that I don’t wanna forgive. *footstomp*. Nope. 

Here’s the thing, my friends. I have these great moments of forgiveness, when I legitimately do forgive the twits. I set the mental boundaries, I recognize an individual isn’t safe, and set my expectations of interactions with them pretty low. I’ve taken the exit, I’ve gotten off the freeway. Then something happens, an interaction with them, a trigger from who knows what, and I’m right back on the freeway again, speeding past every exit, letting the grudge, hurt, and desire for justice blind me from the next exit. 

I haven’t wanted to see these people as Jesus does. I’ve been choosing to see them through my own eyes, aka, through the errors of their ways, their opinions that are “SO wrong”, and the hurt they’ve caused me. Why? Because it’s fun to play judge? Because it’s fun to have this grudge wound festering? Ugh. Mostly, it’s the fact that I just don’t think it’s fair that they “get away” with what they did. It’s not fair that they don’t have to be confronted, don’t own their actions, their words. Nope. it’s not fair. But: 

Jesus never reduces my humanity. Jesus sets me free from the captivity of repeating the cycle of wounding so that together Jesus and I can start a new cycle of life and love.

I’m just looking at the person’s actions, not their true identity. Here I am, saying my identity is in Christ, not what I’ve been through. I am not giving certain people the same grace that I’m receiving from Jesus. 

Jesus, I’m tired of getting on and off the freeway. I want to just stay in the land of forgiveness, sans grudges, and without holding onto this desire for my idea of justice. I choose to accept Your grace, for myself, and for others, yes, even them. I am sorry for repeatedly taking back my forgiveness. I take back my peace that I’ve given away during my periods of unforgiveness. Bless and seal these good things, in Your name, amen. 

May your week be blessed,

Lisa

Happy Wednesday, church family!

My two grandmas had a weird relationship with one another; they were polar opposites, and argued about pretty much everything. If Grandma Daisy commented that she liked my hair when I wore it up, Grandma Lucille would immediately interject that a girl's hair should be long and flowing, therefore I looked better with my hair down. Yet, each of their opinions changed based on the other’s verbal comments. They would argue about the slightest things, but still were on the phone with one another each night, making sure they didn’t miss a show, or to share what they heard on the news or from a friend. Growing up, being tugged back and forth between their constantly changing opinions was the most “stressful” family interaction I had. 

Other than Grandmas’ bickering, I feel like our small family didn’t have any major drama. When Pastor Andy asked the question in his sermon Sunday about familial patterns that were unhealthy, of course there were ones I could think of, but I realized that in the last 8 years that there has been a shift in our family, and the formation of potentially new, and unhealthy patterns- with my own reactions and emotions at the center. 

Two years after my mom died, my dad re-married, and a month later, I found my birth mother. All of a sudden, I had two new women in my world, both coming from very different views and patterns of life than how I was raised. I was used to my mom and my mother in law, two women of faith who loved me unconditionally, and who I felt completely safe with. The new women were so different from what I was used to, and I felt emotions I hadn’t experienced in my family~ defensiveness, guardedness, anger, and hurt. I found myself having exchanges that left me exhausted and anxious. 

Friends, I find myself at a crossroads. Neither relationship has been easy; I’m not even in contact with my birth mom anymore. I attempted to overthink this, then God showed me it’s actually simple: My children are watching me interact with these women. They are learning from me how to deal with people and situations that aren’t ideal. Am I inviting Jesus in and practicing forgiveness, or blowing up and falling apart? (uh, I’ve definitely done a little more of the latter). Each behavior I elicit is shaping my children, creating new patterns. I don’t want to create a pattern that is unhealthy. I want to show them how to invite Jesus in, forgive, and create healthy boundaries.

Jesus, thank You for the awareness of a potential new unhealthy pattern, and the power to stop a pattern in its early stages. I choose to forgive, even when the person is not “deserving”, or even aware that I’m forgiving them. I choose to give difficult people to You. I choose to create a pattern in my family that is glorifying to You. I don’t know exactly what this will look like in practical, everyday life, but I choose to invite You in to those moments that I need help. Bless and seal these things in Your name, amen. 

May your week be blessed,

Lisa

Happy Wednesday, church family!

In the first few weeks we lived on the Central Coast, Dave went away for work, and my parents, the only people we knew here, were on vacation. Parenting solo with a toddler and infant, and feeling quite alone, I decided to do something “normal” for LA: go to the mall. In Santa Maria. (If you’ve been to that mall, you’re probably already laughing.) 15 minutes after arriving, having walked the entire facility, past empty storefronts and quiet concourse, I called Dave, in tears. “That was it! Even the mall is lonely!”

When we lived in LA, we had a good, solid group of friends. We’d been through life and death, and everything in between. Then we moved to the Central Coast, a place we only knew my parents. I was frustrated with the selection of potential friends. No one seemed to “click” for me. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to find the level of friendship that I’d had in LA. Listening to Naomi’s story in Ruth, I really resonated with the bitterness she felt moving back to her homeland (except I was in a new place). I found myself bitter that life just kept going for everyone I’d left in LA, and here I was, alone in a new place, trying to find just a single friend. 

Little did I know, that like with Naomi, God was working in small ways, and I just needed to be patient. The first lesson He taught me was that the reason I had such amazing friends in LA was that we had been through so much together. We were vulnerable, shared, listened, and protected one another. I had been expecting someone to come into my new life at a level 10, even though I only knew them at a level 1. Long story short, God showed me what it looked like to start over, and provided a million little miracles along the way. He put new friends in my path, and I began to slowly deepen relationships with them. Three years later, my mom was hospitalized for the first time. It was then that I realized that He had worked in His perfect timing, to provide me with friends who were there to support me, encourage me, pray for me, and help take care of my girls. 

Jesus, thank You for redeeming me from my bitterness and loneliness. Thank You for the new friends you put in my life to go through some of the roughest years I’ve been through, and to come out of that experience at a level 10. Thank You for each one of my friends, the stories they shared with me, the little decisions they each made that would grow our friendship. I choose hope, patience, and trust in Your plans for me, today and every day. Bless and seal these good things, in Your name, amen. 

May your week be blessed, 

Lisa