Happy Wednesday, church family!
I interviewed for a case manager position at a brain injury hospital when I was in my early 20s. I had worked there as a tech during college, so I was very familiar with the program. The new director of the program walked in, sat down, put his feet up on the table, leaned back in his seat, crossed his arms and said, “So why should I hire you?” I was taken aback, as the first two people I interviewed with had been incredibly encouraging and positive. Long story short, I got the job, but I spent my time there trying to prove myself, explaining every action, defending my choices, and constantly afraid of running into the director. Eight months later, I was laid off, because the census was dropping, and I couldn’t (read, “wouldn’t”) convince insurance companies to authorize unnecessary extensions of treatment, simply to keep revenue up. Fast forward to this week. I was today years old when I realized it was that job, and the director, that shaped how I view myself in the workplace.
In Sunday’s sermon, Pastor Andy talked about the fall of Babylon in Revelation, aka the world, and how many leaders of that world have been shaped by the enemy. These leaders are driven by greed, doing things their own way, and being rewarded with money, fame, and the sort.
Babylon creates leaders that shape us…actually, they misshape us and horribly wound us.
My feet-on-the-table/arms-crossed accusatory boss was the epitome of this. Besides the fact that he bragged about his $400 tie (I kid you not, and this was a 2002 price) and thousand dollar shoes, he demanded so much of his employees. He questioned everything and everyone, ignored our actual brain injured patients in the wing, and focused only on the revenue they produced.
Twenty plus years later, I find myself at Coastal, a place that I am encouraged, loved, and supported. Yet, I have felt like I’ve had to prove myself since day one. Even when my rational brain acknowledges the truth, there’s been something floating around in my mind, telling me otherwise. What the heck, y’all? How messed up is that!
The truth is that I am in a safe place. It’s safe to be myself, safe to be human, to make mistakes, safe to learn, and to grow. It’s safe because of Jesus and the people here who love Him. And even if I someday find myself in a place where Babylon resides, I can still choose the safety of Jesus. I can choose to keep my mind, body, and soul in line with Him rather than trusting the faux beauty and empty promises the devil dangles before me. The truth is that I am learning to accept God’s truth about who I am and what I am worth, instead of accepting the lie that I am bound by circumstances and leaders in my past. I don’t need to chase the impossible goal of proving who knows what, to who knows who.
Jesus, thank You for the experiences of my past, and for the wisdom to finally realize that certain ones, like that job, have affected my perception of the present. Thank You for the clarity to understand what has caused these feelings of inadequacy. Thank You for this church family, that I am in a safe place to learn more about myself and You, to grow and heal the wounds of the past. I reject the lie that I need to prove myself, running myself ragged in order to find acceptance and worthiness. I am worthy, loved, and accepted. Bless and seal these good things in me, in Your name, amen.
May your week be blessed,
Lisa
