Happy Wednesday, church family! 
 

One day when I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was at a friends house. We were playing outside when she yelled out "COOKIE!" Assuming that meant her mom had brought a plate of cookies outside for us, I jumped up, and was met face to face with the scariest looking dog, with a fiercely wagging tail, and wet tongue flapping. Terrified, I took off running towards the house. This, of course, excited Cookie the dog even more, and he began to chase me. I remember my friend's mom meeting me by the front door (she probably heard me screaming), but not before I fell, and Cookie began to devour me (yes, I know. NOW, I'm pretty sure he was so excited to play chase, and was licking me to show his appreciation, but in the moment? I was being eaten alive). I had no idea that Cookie was super friendly, and wanted nothing more than to play with me and give me slobbery doggie kisses. 

During worship this last Sunday, the words Your goodness is running after, it's running after me (Goodness of God) hit me square in the jaw. I was listening to the song, visualizing me running around, this way and that, with Jesus running after me, trying to shower me with His goodness. Kind of like Cookie, but less slobber. I thought how true it was that I was constantly running, moving non-stop, trying to do things on my own, with Jesus just waiting for me to slow down. Beautiful analogy, the end? Then Jesus said to me, what are you running from? Friends, I won't tell you how long I had to ponder this. I was hiking on the Pismo Preserve, and stopped abruptly in the middle of the trail, almost causing the runner behind me to crash into me, when it came to me. Jesus is trying to shine a light on ME, not specific little things about me, but Lisa as a whole person, and yet for some reason, I've been running from it.  

People are great, I really love y'all, but standing up in front of you, or any large group of people is not my comfort zone. Sweat happens. Stammering happens. Any time the focus is on me in a gathering, there's a good chance my face will turn red at some point. I'm quite comfortable with people, just not with multiple sets of eyes on me. I put too much pressure on myself to say the right things, while hoping my words are coming across the way I meant them.  But here's the thing, Jesus is chasing after me with His goodness in this area. He's put me in a position where He wants to use me in a way I'm not used to, and oddly, I'm okay with it in some ways, because I'm not running away physically. However, I've been letting the thoughts and feelings of insufficiency, inadequacy, and doubt run away with me. I'm still listening to the whispers the enemy hisses at me, as he tries to turn me away from my gifts, by instilling doubt. 

I've been doing the same type of ministry for quite a long time, up til now. I've been comfortable with it, I'm good at it, and I know what I'm doing. Anything new feels scary, so while I'm on board for a change, I still sometimes let the anticipation of what's coming affect me. But here's the thing- over the last year or so, Jesus has been making it pretty clear to me He's taking the gifts He gave me, and building on them for something more. Let's be honest, if you told me two years ago I'd be working at a church, writing a devotional in the email that goes out to 400+ people, I'd have laughed. Jesus is running after me, my friends. It's time for me to slow down, and accept His goodness. It's not my burden to figure things out, or worry about the process. All I need is to trust that He will guide me in a way I understand. He's walking with me, guiding me, this whole journey. I don't know exactly what is next, or how I'm going to get there, but right now, I'm just going to lean into what I DO know, that is I don't have to know it all. So be it. 

Jesus, I don't know what's next, what it looks like, or why in the world You're choosing me for whatever it is. I do know that You have a much better perspective on me and life, and I choose to continue to have the faith that You are opening doors and providing the path that's the best for me. I choose to give You all the worry that I'm not enough, anticipation, and anxiety. I choose to rest in Your peace. In Your name, amen. 

May your week be blessed,

Lisa